JUST the Stepmom

I have recently come across a hurtful comment that I believe is being said by some more out of naivety then ill intent.  Every time it's said, it hits me right between the eyes.  Not because the truth hurts, trust me I'm well aware of the truth in my situation, but because I'm shocked at how insensitive people can be.  I probably shouldn't be shocked given our culture today but I am.  So I'm choosing to believe an education rather than a scolding is in order.

The statement, "You're just the stepmother" is what brought me to write this post.  If you've been on twitter recently it's hard to miss the negative posts being sent to Leanne Rhimes after she called her husband and his biological children "her guys".  She didn't refer to them as her children nor did she ever claim to give birth to them and yet many have been vicious with their hate.  The hashtag #twitterstepmoms is one many Momishes use to stay in touch with one another.  Unfortunately there have been attacks on #twitterstepmoms reminding them "you're just a stepmother".

Twitter isn't the only place those words are said.  Last school year, a school secretary told me she couldn't speak to me because I was "just a stepmother".  I remember it plain as day.  That word, "just", rang in my ear for days.  She was right.  Only the Hubs has shared custody, not me.  She has to uphold the schools policies and protect children first.  I totally get that.  However the insensitivity was shocking to me. With a little education I'm sure she would have selected her words more carefully.

Momishes & Dadishes are often have horrible reputations.  Let's be honest, some have earned those reputations, just as some biological parents have.  Some have lost focus on the children (or never had it) and families have paid for it.  I'm here to remind all of you not to let the bad apples spoil the bunch.  We are not all evil horrible people who are selfish and self centered.  In fact, we're just the opposite most of the time.

Becoming an "ish" is not easy for anyone.  Even though most of us were not involved in the original breakup of the two parents, if there was a relationship at all, we're often seen as the catalyst for negative change.  We are the ones most often given the blame for the hurt and pain caused by the breakup.  Suddenly we become the focus of the hate that exists between the parents and possibly the children.  It's understandable as it's hard to place blame on someone you love and care about.  It's understandable but still unacceptable.

I feel like I should note here that I'm blessed that the Hubs, his ex-wife, and former in-laws have always had an above average workable relationship.  They all deserve tremendous credit for their efforts on behalf of this amazing young man.  It's not perfect all of the time and feelings get hurt on both sides, I'm sure. It's through their great effort that they've kept their son the main focus.  I note that because while my situation is a positive one, I know many families do not have that same type of relationship.

"Ishes" are going to make mistakes.  We're going to fall off the tightrope that we walk between being a sort of friend and sort of parent.  We're going to say the wrong thing from time to time and we're not going to get every family joke or know instantly what topics or family taboos to stay away from.  We're going to get it wrong some days but most of the time we're going to get it right.

Most of us would never see the children in our partner's life as being "baggage" in fact we see them as blessings.  We love them like they're our own, even though we live with society (and sometimes even families) telling us they're not.  We act as the mediator between parents and children way more often then we'd like to which is a no-win situation for the Ish.  We sit through ball games, plays, and family outings trying not to notice that many of the ex's friends/family wont speak to us or even look at us.  We cheer for the children, encourage, and try to set them on the right path.  In many cases we even share financial responsibilities or carry additional financial burdens in the home so that the biological parent can take care of their financial responsibilities to the children.  Most of us do it with very little complaining and very little credit.

We are Momishes and Dadishes out of choice.  We chose to live this life and we chose to marry someone with children and we signed up for all of the bad stuff so that we could cherish the good stuff in our partnerships as well as our families.  In any other partnership, ishes we be told we're crazy for doing it and yet in our marriages and family lives we are expected to do the work without the glory.  Yes, just like parents are.  Why?  Because we love our families more than we ever knew possible and we wouldn't trade that love for anything.

So the next time you find yourself thinking, "She's just the stepmom" or "He doesn't know what being a real parent is".  Stop and ask yourself objectively if you know the entire story and if you've given him/her the credit they deserve.  I think you'll be surprised.